Sad Stuff Happens

Some months are great, exciting, full of adventure and fun things to write about.  Some months are hard, tiring, sad and too private to share at the time.  November was just enough of the second that the first didn't get a look in.

In November Eleanora had her half birthday - 1 and a half.  Can you believe it?!

And on the same day I had a miscarriage.

We were about 10 weeks along and had been so excited to make a Christmas announcement.  I'd been feeling a little crummy and since we'd decided to start trying for another baby I thought I'd just check.  There were no real expectations since it was only my second cycle, I'm not all that regular and I was only a few days late. But if you've ever tried for a baby and you're even a minute a late you know - you have to check.  And I was.  We were shocked and thrilled and amazed.  We were going to expand our family!

The week before that I had done a load of tests to find out if there was any reason my body was being partially ornery so I already had a doctors appointment booked in to discuss results.  My tests were normal (yay and boo at the same time) but I needed one more to confirm that I was indeed pregnant.  And yes, blood tests confirmed it but because go my irregular cycles he wanted me to do a dating scan.  I had to wait a week for that.  By my calculations I was 8 weeks along.  Plenty far enough to see a jelly baby and a heart beat.  Only we didn't.  We saw the pregnancy sac but nothing in it.  That was upsetting but the doctor reminded us that my dates could be wrong and I was closer to 5 weeks.  I didn't think they could be that wrong but, after some tears at not seeing what we thought we'd see, I chose hope.  I was told to come book an appointment for 3 weeks and either we'd see the baby then or I would have had a miscarriage.

I held onto the hope that I was wrong.

Now I am sure I wasn't.

Not quite 2 weeks later. I had a little bit of bleeding and a lot of worrying. I called the midwifes who recommended either a trip to the hospital or rest and wait to see what happened.  I rested for 2 days with nothing really changing and on the Monday decided I needed to know: was this normal bleeding (it was very light) or was it a sign something was wrong.

We spent the day in the Emergency waiting room.  I had some blood taken and finally, late in the afternoon an internal ultrasound.  The dear sonographer started off very chipper and chatty.  However, as the scan progressed she became more and more solemn.  She ended the scan in silence having made no comments at all about what she could see.  She got me to clean up and said she needed to speak with the doctor.  My hope left the room with her.  I knew without a doubt that if there was anything worth seeing she would have shown us.  There wasn't going to be a baby this time.

Finally we were able to speak with the sweet doctor about what was happening.  She confirmed what I had suspected and it was gut wrenching.  To think it, to suspect is one thing but to be told is a whole different smack in the heart.  My blood tests had still been rising as though I was pregnant but for whatever reason the baby hadn't developed.  I don't know if it ever did, if it had stopped just before that first scan or what happened.  I'm ok with not knowing.

I had to go home, knowing there was no baby but still not having been through the miscarriage, so to speak.  I had to wait.  In God's grace I didn't have to wait long and as rubbish as it was it wasn't as bad as I had imagined.  

And now it's over.  Essentially.  It has been a heartbreaking and strange experience.  I have rarely felt God's goodness more strongly.  Since this pregnancy wasn't to end in a baby I am grateful that I didn't have to see a heart beat let alone hold a baby that I had to then let go of.  I am grateful that I have a wonderful, supportive and amazing husband, family and close, darling group of friends.  I am grateful that this wasn't my first pregnancy, that I have an excellent little creature girl already who takes my heart to places of joy I didn't know about.  I am grateful that while pain is deep it can be shared and that dreams can be grieved with those who understand.

The same week this happened for us Eleanora got sick and had the two biggest vomits of her life on two separate days with bad nights and miserable days in-between.   The same week Eleanora's godfather lost his father to cancer, a dear friend of ours started medication for post natal depression and a friend of hers woke up to find their 6 week old baby had died in the night.  That's just the short list of sad stuff that happened that week in our immediate circle.

And yet.  I can not help but be grateful.  Because while sad stuff happens, loved ones die along with dreams and expectations of perfection, hope lives.  Love lives.  Jesus was born and each day we can be reborn with him to live a whole life of joy.

I pray that this Christmas season you are able to find moments to be truly grateful for the life you have.  I pray that whatever your grief, whatever the state of your heart that there are moments of joy that bubble up inside of you and sit alongside your grief as an equal part of your journey.

May the Sad Stuff that Happens in your life always be tempered by the Life, by the Hope and by The Joy.

{lighter posts to follow x }